Well this being my first blog,i guess i will start by saying how i got to this,tonight i am a mess ,not knowing how to cope ,i was getting tired of my usual routine of searching new diets online and looking at some of the videos on you tube(which i can say does not help at all),i decided for the hell of it i was going to type in "I don't want to die",and what i found was a blog titled "I don't want to die of a heart attack at 25",i was shocked ,i thought this has to be a sign of some kind,i am going to be 25 in 2 months and i am scared to peices that i am not going to see my little girl grow up,or be able to live with my husband the rest of our lives not just the rest of mine,i weigh aprox 290-300 ,it fluxuates so much,i dont know what to do now,i suffer with depression and diabetes,and i take meds for both and i also take meds for acid reflux and anxiety,i am tired and sick all the time and no energy for anything,my little girl doesnt deserve a mother like me,she needs a mom who can be able to run around with her and a mother who has all the energy possible to play with her,and a mother who wont embarrass her when she goes to school,and that time is coming she will be starting school next year,my husband deserves a wife he can be proud to be seen with,somone who can do all the things he likes to do ,he is very active,he deserves a wife he can spend the rest of his life with,and someone who is physically atractive enought to fix her self up every now and then.I dream of being that ,all of that ,it will never happen,i wish my husband could look at me like i was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen,i want to feel that beautiful,right now i would settle for being presentable to the public and just feel good in my own skin,my husband doesnt understand why i am so unhappy and moody and grumpy and hard to be around,lately i cant stop my self ,i just have so much hatered for my self,its not fair that he has to be marriewd to this and its not fair my little girl doesnt have a good mom,i feel maybe i should let go ,so theyt can have a better life,i will never be anything but a disapointment to them.